My thanks to all those who have sent me emails recently. I should like to send particular thanks to whoever it was who sent me the one about rat manure in the glue on envelopes. Thanks to you I know I am safe every time I use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing. I now scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
Sadly though I no longer have any savings because I gave them all to a sick girl you told me about who is terminally ill and about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time. Still I'm not downhearted that all my money is gone because I know everything is about to change once I receive the £15,000 that Bill Gates / Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail programme. On top of that I'm still waiting to receive my split of £7 million from a very nice, senior bank clerk in Nigeria just for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died intestate.
Because of your concern and your emails I feel better because I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a dead rat on a hot day. I no longer drink Coca-Cola because you told me it can remove toilet stains and I dont go shopping anymore because someone is sure to have contaminated something I want to buy. I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number and I will end up getting a phone bill with premium rate calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan. Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because the odds are a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my bum. And thanks to your great advice, I can't even pick up the £5.00 I found dropped next to my car in the car park because it probably was placed there by muggers waiting underneath my car to grab my leg and rob me after they've beaten me senseless.
Still, spiritually I no longer worry about my soul because I know I have 363,214 angels looking out for me and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish. Thanks to one of you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. So, if you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large magpie with diarrhoea will land on your head three hours after reading this email. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.
By the way....a South American scientist after a lengthy study has discovered that people with low IQ who have infrequent sexual activity always read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.
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